Thursday, September 17, 2009

Wives, cats and Circuit Breakers...

I think...well, I don't know.
I think the Grand Architect may have been a woman, and decided she doesn't really like men.
Why else would you make Woman, give her Man...and then provide cats.
Case in point.

Again, I am at the computer...

You know, I've noticed that a lot of the posts occur while I am 'at the computer'. Let me correct a few misconceptions.
My wife and I got outside, yes we do! We do not blink blinded-ly at exposure to sunlight. We are not pasty, and we have social skills. In fact, if I we don't tone those social skills down sometime soon, I will give up on sleeping weekends completely...
I also do not 'bogart' the computer. We actually share this cursed machine. I don't like it personally. I prefer human interaction and the hum of an electric typewriter. But she loves it. She's a 'modern' woman, I'm a anachronistic curmudgeon.

I am at the computer.
I am typing away, when the wife discovers the cat's banana toy has be 're-discovered' by the cat.

This toy is scary. Not to an adult human (well, in the middle of the night when you step on it and it's cat slobbery...what can I say), but should be scary to an animal. It is long, yellow, has eyes and a jingly bell. It dangles from an indestructible stretchy thread from the door knob, and makes obnoxious noises. No animal with a lick of sense or survival instinct should be anything but frightened of it. Enter 'the feline'...
She loves it. She's an idiot.

So my wife has taken this fruit-like abomination off the door handle and is running it around the floor like a snake with potassium venom.
The cat is chasing it, like she can't see the human and the string. Or she's just that dumb. I vote for the latter.

Wife is going on about how she's rediscovered the joy of cat toys, how the cat is so cute, and how I should look.
I mumble about cat toys, maiming, and violin strings...
Wife giggles and says I should look.
I say 'in a second'...

You know how most people have a circuit breaker, the little one in your brain that flips when you are about to implement a plan that will result in disaster (or a brief hospital stay...)? My wife doesn't have one.

I am ignoring her cat, when said vile little beast is being cute.
She's not cute normally (ever as far as I'm concerned, but normally to my wife) so she sees this as an event worth celebrating. I'm not celebrating. I must be drawn into this 'event'.
I am sitting on a chair, in front of the computer, that has a cloth armrest, a cloth back-rest, and runs up to the back of my head.
She runs the banana up the armrest, and up the back of chair to my head.

The last time she did something like this, the cat actually fit on the armrest.
The last time she did this, the cat was 4.5 lbs. She's now 8 lbs.
The last time she did this, the chair was actually differen, and larger.
This is the last time she'll do this.

Recently, Roxz read Heinlein's 'The Cat Who Walks Through Walls'.. (I had turned her on to Heinlein with SIASL, Grok?).
In that book there is a cat that climbs its owner's leg with 'little pitons'...slowly.

Up my
Up my
Into my
Up my entire left side, hadn't had a claw clipping in weeks. Cat had been sharpening them (in anticipation for this kind of opportunity I am sure) on an old rug we leave out just as a scratching surface not 15 minutes earlier.
Talons penetrate into my Kidney (anybody out there have O+ blood, gonna be needing a transplant)...then quickly up the rest of my body to my spine.

On first contact, it's abrupt and sharp...then she finds purchase for greater speed and launch...searing burning evil death sharps pain is run up my side.
I scream....I claim it was a bellow of pain and anger, my wife thinks it was more like a's all about perception.

The cat's response to the scream, to launch off of my neck and from the dining room all the way into the living room without touching the floor (owwwwwwwwwwwwwww) and disappear for the next 6 hours...
My response, to glare at my wife for the next hour...
Her response, to duck my glare and apologize while trying desparately to not giggle at my bear-like grumbling and grousing.
I don't know who to blame here, and it's frustrating...

If your spouse doesn't have a circuit breaker, install one...
If you can't find one, install SOMETHING!

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