Monday, September 14, 2009


so I succumbed, didn't want to interfere with the spouses first Monday morning of classes, and took a sleeping pill last night.
I went upstairs, lay down to read...and 15 minutes of staring at the ceiling later, my wife asks me why I'm still wearing my glasses.
"You wanted me to read you a chapter of McManus" I said, while rotating my head a little to follow the ceiling fan...dizzy while laying down, wondering why I couldn't focus on the moving blades, and whether they would fly off...why they wouldn't many blades there were...if those were multiplying...if they took off would they fly, or just chop off my toes...if they flew off would they get the cat before my toes...where's the cat...I don't hear crashing in the house...why they wouldn't focu....zzzzzzzzzz

As I've said before, when I take these pills, my cat takes note. Normally with glee and cunning, and a bit of spite, she takes note.
She begins to plot...
But this isn't a story about my cat. She doesn't figure in this at all. It's about my wife.

I was gone, just out. I looked at the clock as I laid down last night (muzzily, with glasses on...not sure why the glasses were still on till the wife asked me WHY...remember why when she asks, and promptly passed out), it read 10:30.
I'm an insomniac, I don't sleep more than 3 hours straight naturally, ever. Even on ambien I usually wake up PRECISELY 4 hours after I take it. If not shortly thereafter. I typify the quote from Fight Club "when you have insomnia, you're never really asleep...and you're never really awake:.

At 5:00, I woke up...abruptly. Not startlingly, just 'I'm awake'. Calmly, laying there with warm snuggly, the window open hearing the sounds of truly early morning, I'm awake. I get up, shuffle to the 'facilities', and shuffle back a minute later. I kind of stand there for a moment, realizing that was no 'demand' of nature just a ritual. Nothing to have drug me out of bed.
I listen, trying to sort out if the cat has been up to some mischief downstairs. Trying to figure out why I'm awake. Nothing. Just awake. Languidly, despite the temperature, softly.
No newspaper drop off loudly, no loud construction noises...just up.
Hell, the insomniac just got almost 7 straight hours of sleep. And he's calm and fuzzy enough, he's gonna get another 30 minutes before the alarm goes off (remember,wife early day) and cook her breakfast/have coffee! WOOT!
So I climb back into bed for a little hour (or less) nap, dig into the warm and start to drift.
And then I feel a wiggling of legs next to married folks out there know the type, you pulled the covers a bit, spouse is unconscious with chilled toes and reflex takes over...poorly...and feet do a little flutter kick to pull it back...poorly. As I am awake, and know that this will bring someone to consciousness unhappily and poorly, I quickly pull blankets and adjust to make sure she's covered. I even looked. She's covered, totally.
I lay back, snuggle, and begin to drift...

10 minutes later...
kickity-kickity-kickity...(little flutter kicks, barely noticeable, I almost don't figure out what wakes me). Okay, it's just a running whimpering, so not a nightmare...and she's stopped. Lay back...drifting offfff....

kickity-kickity-kickity. Okay, now this is entering snoring realm. I gently jiggle her, it stops. I start to drif...

kickity-kickity... I open my eyes, I look at her face and I listen to her breathing. She's not faking, she's not distressed. I jiggle...she stops. It's 5:30.
I decide to try again...lay down...5 minutes of waiting, start to let go...
Softly, so as not to startle her awake, I query "Hon, what are you running from?"
"mmfff dunff knof" snuggles in to my chest, starts to breath normally again. I lay back....
kickity-kickity...jiggle..."hon, you okay"..."MFFFF"(irritated 'why are you waking me' tone).
repeat one last time, doze/kickity/you okay/angry 'mfff'...

Okay, no big. I really am well rested. I gently extricate myself, and go downstairs.
I putter (i have decided that I am no longer too young to putter, and since I am not a natural in the kitchen, in that environ puttering is about all I can aspire to) around in the kitchen, make sure breakfast supplies are out (I have been tasked with making eggs to go with the coffee...have I mentioned I am the egg gawd?) and sit down on the computer to putter a bit more (I'm not great with technology either, I am LUCKY that my computer use is only referred to as puttering, not violating).

I hear the alarm upstairs go off a little bit later, and stumbling (with an indignant MROWRP from the feline...she doesn't understand underfoot is dangerous in the morning), and the shower.

A bit later, the spouse comes down.
We kiss, she settles into coffee as I wrap up some online rambling and jib-jabbing (she provides me with a cup).
I get up and start making breakfast.

As I stand next to her cooking, while she reads the remnants of the paper and sucks Java like it's mana from heaven,
I describe my glorious nights sleep, the perfect out like a light, up the next morning, and nothing in between moment...that thing that never happens.
I then describe the wonderful feel of looking at the clock, seeing another hour of sleep coming to me, and knowing that I would love it!
I am giddy. I describe all this because I have been bouncy since she has come downstairs. Happy, warm, NOT my normal morning self.
I was singing, I was dancing, I petted the cat happily...(okay, the dancing was not had)
I return to the whole 'looking forward to another hour of glorious sleep, that I NEVER get'....
And then I confronted her about the sabotage..

I asked...
"So, were you having a nightmare, or just a running dream?"
"This morning, when you drove me out of bed, what was up?" I asked, accusatory tone heavy..intimating intent on my good sleep and sanity.
I then described the sequence of 'kickety-kickety-kickety' (doing my favorite 'Quagmire' impression voice from Family Guy) and the muffled responses.
She stops, and thinks..hard. She is trying to recall the morning dreams...(I can smell the burning rubber as she tries to engage the drive of her 6am hurts, I know).

Then she started to giggle.
"I was dreaming of rats of abnormal size...they were nibbling on my toes, and I couldn't get em to leave me alone," she titter through this...I say "kickety-kickety"...she's getting closer to uncontrollable giggling..."I knew you were there, it wasn't real, but I was convinced...and they were just nibbling, I couldn't get em off!"

R.O.U.S.'s..........she woke me up because she dreamed of ROUS's...she kicked me, because she dreamed of ROUS's...

I think my wife has gone quietly batty...

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