Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Squirrilla Warfare

as per the norm I was sitting in the kitchen working on something.
(It's always something, and never really qualifies as work according to my spouse...just puttering...when is she going to be old enough for me to accuse her of puttering?)

My cat was on the shelf at the window above my chair.
I have yet to figure out why this animal, who hates me enough to torture me day in and day out, thinks it's safe to hover over me while painting...but she does. And amazingly enough, my paint work is the ONLY thing she has never destroyed. She'll mutilate my finished work, but leave it out with the paint pots and tools and she won't touch it (maybe figures it's worse to annihilate finished work, I dunno).
Anywho, she's at the window when the wife asks "look out there and see why she's so absorbed..and twitching her tail".
After the skunk raid on the carport (later story) and the squirrel raids on other parts of the carport (again, more on that later) I assume we have a vagrant animal about to visit an atrocity upon my property...I was right, but not in the way I expected.

I looked over my shoulder, and saw another cat. A big cat. I mean BIG. This chunky, low slung and mean looking black and white looks like it could have taken an enraged walrus home as a meal.
My cat was looking out the window acting like she wanted to play...I wanted to let her out (she'll be skinned alive and served up as a late night snack by this beast) but the wife was present, and I would have had no excuse...cats just have bad timing, I swear.

So this cat was stalking. It was in the grass, doing that impossibly slow paw over paw ninja-commando low crawl. I looked for an intended victim, and sure enough...on the edge of the carport, there was a squirrel.
Now normally these squirrels are quick on the uptake and twitching their tales in warning (before bolting up a tree) long before any neighborhood cat gets within 20 yards...but this one was within 5. It was pawing around in the grass near where I had spilled some bird seed, so I assumed he was absorbed in eeking out the last remnants of seed from the ground.
I watched, as that cat continued to crawl...foot by foot...paw by paw...ever closer.
It got closer, and started doing that little pre-pounce butt wiggle (you know, the tense 'heap big hunter' wiggle your house cat gets right before assassinating a lightning bug) all cat owners adore. My wife had, at this point, joined me at the window after a quiet hand waving over. I'm expecting a sudden burst of speed and a run, one that NEVER results in a caught squirrel but a chagrined cat...my favorite kind (ok, filleted is my favorite, but polite company and all).
She gets closer, and closer...slower and slower. She's within 5 feet now, right next to the front tire of my CRV, and I start to raise my hand to knock on the glass (I like squirrels, even when they are attempting to raid my bird feeders I like em...I grew up with them as part of my nature, playful little spirits. I don't like cats, evil feline mischief causing beasts. Knock on the glass saves a squirrel and pisses off a cat, win win)...
My wife stopped me. 'watch' she says quietly, and pointed.

As I notice that the 'victim' squirrel actually looked over its shoulder at the cat, I also see what my wife sees. To the immediate right of the cat, on the top of my car's front tire, is another squirrel. Two feet from the hunter. As I saw the squirrel, the cat also seemed to detect something, and looked over the other shoulder...to see the OTHER squirrel stalking IT.
My wife, Roxz, giggles and points again...behind the cat. In the grass, about 15 feet away, is another pair of squirrels.
At this stage, the 'victim'(I mean bait) sits up, and looks at the cat.
The one on my tire hops down and sits up, looking at the cat.
The two behind sit up,
and the one we did not even see on the ROOF of the carport scampers down into the grass...and they all sit up and stare.
I swear I heard the sound of a switchblade...
(so help me gawd, if Al Hitchcock had seen this, there would have never been 'the birds'...it would have been the 'squirrels')

The cat's tail twitched...
It looked about.
It's wasn't happy.

And the 'bait' twitched AT her.

I blinked,
the cat was halfway down the driveway still picking up steam on the way out...
The bait's tail is swishing in the sudden breeze.
The cat wasn't touching the ground, but It was still accelerating.
I don't think it made contact with the ground for the length of the driveway.
I haven't seen it since...

I wonder if I fed my cat to the squirrels, the wife would know?

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