Sunday, September 6, 2009

Cat's...just why?

it stopped being cold...
she stopped having fleas...
chronicle of Friday night

Get home from Dave and Stacey's.
1:00 am-Cat tries to trip me on the way up the stairs to use the restroom.

1:22 am-Cat leaps up on the back of my chair while typing, in the dark, wife asleep upstairs and YOWLS in my ear. This is after sneakily, silently, paddypawing her way up to behind me. I was typing. I was focused. I needed new underwear and a crash cart. Cat logged airtime similar to first Wright Flight...maybe longer.

3:00 am-Wound down from adrenal rush, drifted off. Sheep have actually stopped leaping over my fence and started to saw wood in the cinema that is my demented brain.
'bada bumpa bada bada thump CRASH..."mrow?"..."mrow?" tumpatumpatumpa'
down the stairs, up the stairs, impact on hall mirror..confusion...down the stairs.
I'm awake...plotting now, whether or not they make Rat Traps large enough for a cat.

4:00 am-been asleep now for about 45 minutes, last misbehavior only woke adrenaline.
'CLANK'...sound associated with large metal objects colliding, but coming from the bathroom. Drift up, nothing follows, drift down...zzzz
"slurp slurp slurp slurp"....have you ever heard a buffalo with a cleft palette drinking from a large to your ear? Neither have I, but it sounds like that when the cat starts drinking from the bathtub drain (VERY slow leak, she's decided it's her water dish now).

4:30 ish to 6 ish...
various impressions of noises waking me up enough to look at the clock for this time frame.
Hard to focus on it due to the pink elephants and low flying land mammals that are starting to cloud my vision.
I know the auditory part of this ensemble is real, as it's coming from various parts of the house (accompanied by the now familiar tumpatumpatumpa THUMP tumpa up and down the stairs)...unsure of the elephants veracity though.

6:30 am-
I log airtime...I am up, across the bed, and halfway to the bedroom door before my feet touch the floor...I manage this act of gymnastics without making contact with my wife, or disturbing her (though I credit that to her complete comatose state when sleeping, not to any great skill on my part as I was cursing soundly).
I am out the bedroom door, picking up my Mace (the footmans kind, not the spraying kind) before I am even fully conscious. I am thinking (at this stage) of my old apartment on the ground floor, not my 2 story house.
It sounded (to my addled brain) as though someone has knocked a screen in a window, or a picture off a wall, while breaking in.
I achieve 'AWAKE' as I come into the hallway...and find the cat (bottle brush tail, ruffled ridges on back and pupils the size of a small country) racing out of the guest room...
She sees me, attempts a U-Turn (being more awake than I, she thinks I am going to come to the correct conclusion before she can escapt)...realizes her error (maybe more credit than her addled mind can manage, but I'm being nice) in cornering herself...pulls a Matrix-Kitty up the wall and races sideways past me and down the stairs....(all this in three of my steps towards the guest room that is obviously being broken into by loud Huns..hell, they even scared the cat).
Two more steps, and I am almost to the guest room door...and my synapses start to fire.
Ledge near window above guest bed, next to dresser with old paintings on it....I slow down.

Needless to say, I couldn't find where the cat was hiding downstairs after an exhaustive that I never once laid the Mace down during.

in my ear
"MROWR" (translation, food dish empty...feed me).

I am reminded of a quote from LOL cats...

"don't you nice kitty me, you no longer has a NICE kitty"...
I'm just still trying to figure out where I went wrong....

1 comment:

  1. Too Funny...Too Funny...T-T -cries in laughter-

    [I think I'm disturbing the neighbors.]