Passing

A friend passed Friday night.

A young friend.

Is it hypocritical to feel greater grief for youth? Isn't all life sacred?
I find myself lamenting his 'goodness' most. He was just nice...not enough of those people around...yet I keep coming back to his youth. Early 20's? That's too damned young.

Smiles, even in his frustration, I come back to the smiles. It seemed like he nearly always had a smile. Job stress...School stress...other stresses...and yet I always saw the smile. Quippy posts, esoteric or anachronistic, but always there bringing ME a smile...or a retrospective thought.

The pain in his closest friends' faces, when they shared the 'news' (so vile to say it that way, like it's a story on the local stations...but it was 'news' to us in the tragic way). That killed me a little inside. Wanting to be closer to them, to be able to offer more in the way of support...and knowing I couldn't...and shame at those feelings, because it felt as though I was making it about me inside.

Helplessness...that's where it all crashes in. Can't DO anything. Just feel.
Knowing that, no matter what, I cannot even imagine the level of helplessness felt by those that were actually present when it happened.
Knowing that, no matter what, the void for his closest friends and family cannot be filled.
Knowing that nothing can be said that can wash away the pain and loss...or come out, in some fashion, a bit trite.

A youth died this weekend.
A friend passed this weekend.

A genuinely GOOD human being has left us...and we are all just a little smaller for it.

Ian,
I wish I'd been a better friend, and I hope I can be a better friend to those you were closest to.
You are missed.