Sunday, July 11, 2010


So, the paranoia has settled back in...after having been unemployed for a year+ (let go from a place I called home) I cannot shake the constant fear of being fired from my new job.
Am I about to crash the plane, or am I on the right bus?

It becomes constant, feeds into my insomnia. Pervasive is the word...when does it shake? Is it akin to grief? Or sign of an underlying personal issue? Or maybe just a sense of 'wrong' is always a part of me when things start seeming right.

I seem paranoid about these things, but clockwork...when I do, something goes wrong to reinforce that sense.
Last time it was job related, I DID get laid off. It was almost self-fulfilling that time. I felt hemmed in and under siege, and shortly thereafter was handed my papers (so to speak) by a friend. It was pain, that time...real pain. That was grief.

Recently, it was a sense of foreboding that preceded my bank account being seized. I was rescued, but it's still being sorted out and has interfered with my spouse's birthday (when will that be unmolested again?) and plans to see my son before he starts college.

And it's back...and my mind has convinced me it's a sense of job...

Is it real? (no, dammit, I don't believe is psychic phenomena, but I do believe in the sub-conscious extrapolating off little clues we don't perceive). Or is it just a sense of memory when I am right, and no real memory of a paranoia when NOT confirmed by life experience? Selective memory so to speak.

I don't know when I'm supposed to let go, when loss of job is a past occurrence with no bearing on the now AND not a loss of identity/worth.
Where do we evaluate the now without the past?
When do I see one set of circumstances as distinctly its' own?
When do I think doing enough isn't, or when do I see too little when it's too much (or just right) and not try to accept responsibility for EVERYTHING?

Or maybe that's it? Maybe I need to let go a little?
Yet when I do that, I feel guilt.
I took a day off last week, a day off for the holiday and promptly felt discomfited and guilty...all day. ??? WTF ??? Even felt as though, while I was gone, something would go wrong that I would have been able to prevent had I been working.
Shades of my old job? I HATED taking days off then. HATED IT!

I don't get this...I just don't.
Am I broken? Or am I reading things on a subliminal level and extrapolating?

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