Sunday, October 18, 2009

Why women outlast their men....

It's been a while...
I took a break, sue me! ;)

My wife Roxz and I took a drive Friday.
She was in 'contrary mode', so the drive (to get lunch/take pictures of fall leaves at the dam) took 4x as long as it should have...
We passed the dam, twice, from three different directions (don't ask) before settling down to eat...grumpily.
Pizza...after all that running, she wanted pizza.
We eat, her mood improves....mine just goes from starving to 'not ready to eat your face'.
She decides we still need to go picture taking.

We go to the reserve (damned dam had another dead skunk on the know you can't get that taste out of the back of your throat for at least 5 miles)...
We drive down in, same leaves as last time...same pictures as last time...same flinging of leaves as the last time.
(actually, it's quite lovely this time of year. I wanted to go, but the food pursuits had put me in grumptacular it took some funsy pictures and giggling to get me outta my 'grrrrr' face).

I cheer up, we drive around a bit more and explore some alternate routes home.
Thank goodness we have a digital camera, we couldn't have carried as much film as she burned! :)

We unload the stuff we picked up at the grocery store (on a Saturday afternoon...the beginning of Mikey 'grumpface' McGee's appearance)...and she swings her purse about bouncing out of my car.

Fast forward 4 hours, darkness has settled.
I go to the Fridge, I want a Coke and Bourbon...I open the door...

I bellow across the house "So, did we forget something at the grocery, Dear?"
"Aw NUTS!" comes the reply from she who must be obeyed...(she thought the empty box in the kitchen wasn't for the recycling, was actually full)

I call my parents, painting a picture of desperate thirst and need...and brave the darkness and cold to walk across the street and claim a few cans of their soda.

I walk out the door, and as I pass my the dark...I see a firefly in my front garden.
In October.
In 30+ degree weather.
A firefly.
It blinks...
I search...
it blinks again,
and I find....a pink Blackberry.

My wife's phone...has been in our wet garden for 4 hours. And she has not noticed it missing once.
In 4 hours. She didn't even notice.

Why was I surprised?
This is the woman who left her purse, with everything important in her life, at a McDonalds in Tallahassee Fla, and didn't notice for over an hour.
This is the woman that has now been told she MUST inform anyone she is with if she is hanging her purse on the back of her chair in a restaurant,
is not allowed possession of the checkbook,
and I SWEAR has managed to misplace her cat.

I, on the other hand, pat my hip to check for my phone...pat my pocket to check for my keys...and pat my butt for my wallet...when I'm leaving my own house, leaving my car or what have you. I have the Checkbook in a hanging bill holder where I can see it every morning and evening.
If I go 30 minutes without checking one (or all) of these things I start to feel though I have been dropped off in a foreign country and cannot read the road-signs, or am revisiting a bad experiment in high school.

So, I sojourn over to my parents with the phone now safely ensconced in my pocket. I return with beverage and I wait.
An hour passes, dinner is eaten...she doesn't notice her purse is devoid of phone.
Another hour passes, and I wonder at her casual knitting...enjoyment of the TV/cat uninterrupted by the void that would have been clawing at my subconscious after the 1st hour, much less 6.

Another hour, and I casually ask if she got any messages from a friend of ours visiting Disney. She doesn't even look up from her knitting...she just says 'Nope, haven't heard a 'bong' yet tonight!'
and continues to knit.
and knit.

My brain is screaming "all is NOT right with the world woman, your phone is in my pocket...but for all you know it could be in some Columbian drug lord's possession this very moment, found on the trails of the local park and immediately put to use pushing illegal substances...passed up the chain with a speed rivaling new music being violated by Napster...our bill could be 8,000.00 by the end of the month...I may have to start working for these dealers in order to pay the bill, AFTER they use the data to find me and blackmail me so you don't get blamed for the seedy deals they have set in motion. I may have to go out in a blaze of glory, like some moment out of "Matrix"....okay, more like "Pineapple Express", but meh. And you are just sitting there with a grin on your face, Zen-like peace with the click-click of your needles...I could have been headed down a path of DESTRUCTION because of your neglect....grrrrrr"

and all I say is 'Yes dear'.

An hour later, I hand over her phone...with a lecture about cost, about replacement, about other things...
and she smiles up at me,
and says "sorry honey"....
with a smile....
that smile that says 'you worry too much, you're going to have a coronary'...
I smile back and say 'okay'...with a look that says 'I HAVE TO WORRY TOO MUCH, I can't survive being a drug dealer!'

I am,
I'm going to have a coronary...
I just hope I can have a daughter first, so I can do this to some other guy!

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